UN-Kept

UN-Kept.

I was married at a very young age. 13. That would make me 39. I wish!!

Okay, okay. I was married at 19. I quit school, quit work and raised a family for twenty-somethin' years. I kept a clean house (some may argue), had dinner on the table every night, threw themed birthday parties, read bed-time stories, sewed Halloween costumes, made Christmas magic and provided a warm and loving environment for my family. It was and always will be the hardest job/work of my life. NEVER under-estimate the value of a good wife and mother.

None of my kids are "screwed up" in the traditional sense. All three of them have college degrees. All three still talk to me. I consider that a success.

Fast forward...tick...tick....tick....how time flies!

Divorced after twenty-something years or marriage. I am on my own. Living in an itty-bitty apartment.

Paying my own bills, holding down a good job. It's so liberating to know, for real, that I CAN do it on my own. I am not dependent on anyone but myself.

Oh, I still have guilt and woes and life-crisis but nothing that I know that I can't handle.

I am an un-kept woman. I keep myself. I have come to learn that no-one expects anything more from me than ME!!

PHENOMENAL WOMAN by Maya Angelou

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies

I'm not cute or built to suit a model's fashion size

But when I start to tell them

They think I'm telling lies.

I say It's in the reach of my arms

The span of my hips

The stride of my steps

The curl of my lips.

I'm a woman

Phenomenally

Phenomenal woman That's me.

I walk into a room

Just as cool as you please

And to a man

The fellows stand or Fall down on their knees

Then they swarm around me

A hive of honey bees.

I say It's the fire in my eyes

And the flash of my teeth

The swing of my waist

And the joy in my feet.

I'm a woman

Phenomenally

Phenomenal woman

That's me.

Men themselves have wondered

What they see in me

They try so much

But they can't touch

My inner mystery.

When I try to show them

They say they still can't see.

I say It's in the arch of my back

The sun of my smile

The ride of my breasts

The grace of my style.

I'm a woman

Phenomenally

Phenomenal woman

That's me.

Now you understand

Just why my head's not bowed

I don't shout or jump about

Or have to talk real loud

When you see me passing

It ought to make you proud.

I say It's in the click of my heels

The bend of my hair

The palm of my hand

The need for my care.

'Cause I'm a woman

Phenomenally

Phenomenal woman

That's me.

Chicken Soup

Peeling carrots, chopping celery , onions, herbs and chicken a-boilin'. A pot of my chicken soup was in the making. Time spent in the kitchen with my youngest, Eddie (23), has become one of my favorite things.

It's hard to squeeze in time with your kids when they grow up. They're busy living their lives, hangin' with friends, searching for jobs, etc. I've discovered that there is an "in" for each one of my kids.

Food and cooking is my "in" when it comes to Eddie. When the phone rings and Eddie's number pops up I know that

1. He's wondering if I have made dinner and/or if I'd like to.
2. He'd like to know if his jeans that I've had for 6 months have a repaired zipper yet.

Usually its number 1. I think he's given up on number 2.

Eddie doesn't expect me to do the cooking but rather he likes cooking with me and that's a wonderful thing. I learn a lot about my son while in the kitchen. I've learned that he's a damn good cook. He's passionate, strong and wise. He's funny, sensitive and responsible. Oh the joy of cooking!

Leaning over a bowl of hot chicken soup we sit across from one another at the table. He's smiling, savoring each delicious slurp. I'm smiling, savoring each delicious moment.

Memories of Long Ago

I got a new scanner today. A special one that scans old slides and negatives.

I pulled out the hundreds of slides that I've had tucked away in my attic and organized them all according to year....from 1968 to 1981. What a job.

Holding the slides up to the light the transparent films revealed photos and stirred up memories of long ago. Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, childhood holidays, summer vacations and friends long forgotten.

Sometimes it's nice to drown oneself in the past and leave the present behind.

An Email from Mom

I sent a few people an inviation to my blog. Mom was the first to read and respond which comes to no surpise to me. She sent me an email regarding my blog which I thought I'd share. Read on...

"I loved your blog, especially the first part (Referring to the post I wrote about her).

I made comments but they didn't work. And for goodness sakes your gonna be 46, what do you expect....facial perfection? Amazing tits? the chills before hot flashes? The best is yet to come. You have wisdom, experience, a great family and looks that keep you looking in the thirties and most importantly your health. Enjoy every minute of this wonderful life even if you get hit with a few panic attacks and a few sweats. Write about them and fill it with that wonderful sense of humor you inherited. God I'd love to hear the funny side of a panic attact and that mounting anxiety you experience.

Keep up the writing....the photography and the window washing (tisk, tisk) (I was helping my b/f with a home project)

....Love Lom"

Alway cheering me on! I can always count on Mom!

Mom

I talked to my mom today. I talk to her almost every day.

Sometimes I get stressed out if I don't call her because I know (or think) that it stresses her out. I don't know why such mundaine things stress me out. But they do.

My mom is my best friend, closest confidant and alway....ALWAYS...picks my side. I love her and she loves me unconditionally. It's great to have someone on my side all of the time. It's been that way since my childhood, teen-age years and adulthood. Lots of daughters have ups and downs with their mom's but I think my relationship with my ma is pretty much always UP.

Don't get me wrong, we have our spats. But they never last longer than a day. And they are always about something stupid. One spat lasted a few days, but I was kinda trashed when I pissed her off so she forgave me. She's the best.

My mom a.k.a. "The Suz" has a great sense of humor! God, how we laugh together. She's a super-fantastic photographer and writer. I wish I had half her talent. She swears like a trucker, cooks like Julia child , and decorates better than anyone I've seen on HGTV! And...she ALWAYS has a great bottle of wine chilled! She's the bomb.

Her faults? Well, they are faults I admire. Don't diss my mama!

So...that's it for now about ma. Just wanted to write a little somethin' somethin' about her.

The Sweats

Mid-Life. Am I mid-life? I don't fricking know...but I feel mid-life.

Today I was walking down the street, on my way to meet my boyfriend for lunch, and broke out in the sweats. I mean, shirt drenching, armpit sweating, dripping-off-my-nose, sweats.

After the sweats, I started to panic. My heart started racing and my thoughts were swirling. I thought I was gonna pass out. Ugh!

So I finally reached my destination and leaned against a pole. People passed me by on the busy city street as I struggled to get myself through that shitty moment. It passed. I didn't pass out.

Ugh.

Tears for a Stranger

Last night as I lay in bed I cried tears for a stranger. Browsing the internet news , I came across the story of a Blogger and her husband who were in an airplane crash and seriouly injured last month. It seems unfair that something so terrible would happen to such good people with strong faith.

I found Nie's blog http://nieniedialogues.blogspot.com/ and I fell in love with her , her husband and her four beautiful children. I stayed up for two nights reading her posts and enjoying her wonderful photos. Reading this blog anyone can see that Nie and Christian (her husband) are very much in love and so wonderfully happy together raising thier little family.

Reading Nie's blog gives me hope.

After 24 years of marrage and raising three wonderful kids I have recently divorced...a few years ago.

I've really stopped believing in myself. Lots of times I can't find the good in myself and I feel like a failure. I'm sad and just plain feeling sorry for myself.

Nie's blog took me back to a time and place that helped me remember what a good mother and wife I was and all the good things I have done and accomplished in my most important role - mother.

I've been beating myself up so bad that I forgot about all the wonderful thingsI did as a mom.... and as a wife. I made a house a HOME. I tucked my kids into bed every night with a STORY TOLD. I made holidays MAGIC.

I remember now how much love I gave and how much love I still have to give.

Home-spun Facelift

Physically I feel and see my youth slipping away

As I creep closer to 46. I find myself looking in the mirror a lot. Deep crease lines along each side of my mouth, I look like a puppet. My eyelids are starting to sag a little bit too. I'm beginning to resemble my old polish aunts. I'ts kinda depressing. I don't like the whole aging thing. Aging makes me feel ...well, old.

Staring in the mirror I take my fingers and gently pull back the skin on my face and then I pull up on my eyebrows. Wow, what a difference...I look ten years younger! Damn I'm cute!

If I win the lotto I'm getting a face lift. Or a boob job. Or both!

After indulging in a few glasses of wine, home alone and bored, I occasionally give myself a "home-spun" face lift. I don't recommend this technique.

Duct tape is the secret.

I pull my skin back and duct tape it back behind my ears. The crease-lines disappear!
I lift my brows up and duct tape the skin as tight as possible along my hair line My eyes suddenly come to life. The secret to this method is to overlook the duct-tape when viewing the results.

Home-spun face lift tips:

• Remember to remove the duct tape if you have to run out on an errand. I ran out to Walgreen's one day with tape on my face and bumped into a few neighbors; not realizing I had duct tape on my face I proceeded to carry on conversations with them. Embarrassing.
  
• Don't fall asleep with the duct-tape on your face. Peeling it off in the morning it NOT a fun thing and it does remove a layer of skin which results in very strange scabs. It's likely to remove clumps of hair. Ouch!
  
• Don't photograph yourself . Friends are likely to find the photos, print them and give them to you in a frame as a Christmas gift.

Oh the vanity of it all! Aging Sucks.

Phone Off! Mission Accomplished.

Everyday my cell phone rings.

"Hi , I haven't heard from you in a day, are you dead?" --Mom

And rings. "Hi, I was wonderin' what your recipe for pepper steak is" -- ex-husband of four years who still doesn't get it

And rings. " Hi Mom, can you come pick me up?" -- daughter.

And rings. "Ma, can you iron my shirt" --son

And rings. " I just want you to know I'm still alive" --dad

And RINGS! "You have recieved and automated voice mail message..." --work

Ugh! I'm sick of my phone. Every time it rings my blood pressure goes up.

For the first time in years I didn't just silence it. I turned it off! For THREE wonderful days!

And left town.

It was heaven for me.

It was hell for them. I had 17 voicemails. All which I deleted without listening to!