Small Graces

I was on face book today and posted a comment about having a warm house to "cloister into".  Here in NW Indiana the wind is whipping, the wind chill is below zero and snow is coming!  I ended that post with the comment, "small graces".

Small Graces.  It's a simple phrase but a strong truth that sustains a lot of us who struggle in this every day life of ours.  I don't think it matters if we are rich or poor.  Simple "small graces" sometimes sustain the wealthiest, healthiest and wisest of us all.  My small graces are...

Past Memories:  Sometimes they sustain me.  I close my eyes at night and can let my mind take me on a flight back into some wonderful childhood and adult memories that are my mother.  She has been gone since Oct 2010 but my past memories allow me to still hear her voice and re-live moments in time spent with her.  Mom teaching me to tie my red Ked shoe laces. I am brought back to the smell of her food cooking on the stove, the sound of her voice and the feel of her fingertips stroking my hair as I lie next to her on a soft down comforter.  It's all good, it's all real and it's all comforting.  I miss my mother so very much but my memories of her keep  her alive.

Present Times:  I am present here and now and acknowledge that some things suck and some things are wonderful.  The things that suck can be changed with "some distraction and stress"-- crappy job, dirty house, weight, etc... these are challenges that come with being human.  The things that are wonderful are the things that really count to me--my relationship with Mike is wonderful, vacation coming up, I own a home and car to get around and my dad and kids are healthy and........Well, who cares after "my dad and kids are healthy".  That's all that really counts.

My Future:  I have hope that my future holds whatever I want it to hold.  I know I have the power to change what I want although I don't know if I have the will or strength to change it. I am smart enough to accept that the future is mine and I have the power to OWN it and change it.  That knowledge, alone, lends me a lot of comfort.

So I guess I am lucky to "cloister into" this imperfect but perfect life of mine.  It could be better but  I know for sure, It could be a hell of a lot worse.  So, I'll take it, cloister in and be thankful for the small graces that somehow, someway, sometimes go UN-noticed in life.

Being Thankful

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone.  Today I am posting random things that come into my head for which I am Thankful.  Here goes...

I am Thankful:

1. For the wonderful childhood I had.  I always felt secure and loved thanks to my mom, dad and big bully brother.

2.  That I grew up in a "hippie" house hold with parents who didn't judge too harshly.  They just wanted me to be kind and fair.   ALL of my friends were welcomed in my home no matter race or religion they were (and that wasn't too popular in the 60's and 70's) .  As long as we were kind and walked to the beat of our own drums is all that mattered to my mom and dad. My parents didn't fit in at all with the "perfect parent click" but they were by far the most loved and respected.

3.  My kids.  The hardest, unselfish, rewarding thing I worked for here on earth.  I love them immensely and my pride in them cannot be expressed in words.

4.  Having my mothers strength as a woman.  And stubbornness.

5. My Dad.  He is stronger than I ever knew and I will always be his little girl.  Every day I know he loves me.

6.  Mike. Without his love and loving him I couldn't be happy in this life.  He is perfect for me in every way.  I hope to grow very old with him.

7.  Wilbur.  I name him last because the little pup has given nothing but unconditional love and trust.  He has been this families "miracle" and even though he's just a dog....we love and are Thankful for him every single day.

Merry Christmas Mom

The Holidays are approaching and I just dragged boxes of Snowmen out from underneath my back porch stairs.  I've collected these snowmen for many years and cherish each and every one of them.  They sit pompously displayed on a shelf that once was in my hallway but is now in my new dining room since I knocked a wall out in the summer.

As the Holidays approach I remember my mom.  She loved Christmas with a passion, especially the decorating part of it.  During the last five years of her life, after Iris died, she didn't want to decorate alone so I would always be the designated decorator (worker).  Mom's house was very large and DRAFTY.  She kept her heat so low I had to keep my coat on most of the time.  Oh, I would pitch a fit sometimes and go to mom's house with a bad attitude (which I regret now).  I didn't want to have to pull her tree, ornaments, and thousand boxes of Christmas shit all the way up from the basement.   I didn't want to have to put up her tree and decorate it. I didn't want to decorate her fireplace mantle while she sat  in her chair with her two spoiled cats in her lap.  She had A LOT of Christmas stuff and a very, big house!! One year I went to her house with such a horrible attitude.  I was MAD that I was the one who had to do all of that work and boy, even though I was an adult, I acted like a child. How can a daughter be MAD when her mom has cancer, is bald, fighting for her life for 15 years, and weak?  I was just MAD.  I was MAD because my marriage of 24 years was in the shithole and I was going through divorce.  I wasn't thinking about her at this time.  I was wrapped up in ME.  Somehow mom understood this and never said a word about my attitude.  She just asked me " What's your fucking problem?  I have fucking cancer". After mom said that to me I got on past my own, selfish issues and moved on with decorating.  I have so many regrets about that now and I'm sure Mom is laughing at my guilt. 

Now I reflect on those memories.  Christmases spent with my mom.  She always lit the fireplace, had Christmas music filling the house and wine-o-plenty.  After I was mad I realized I was actually having a good time.  When I was a big grump, trudging boxes up from the basement, she laughed at me, took photos and said, "Oh Chrissa, someday you'll miss these days."  And, that I do.  We laughed, shared juicy gossip, reminisced about Christmases long ago.  Boy, it's amazing the gossip the two of us juiced about.   It was so much fun, so much laughter and so much ease. 

I would do anything to have mom back, sitting in her chair, watching me decorate her big old, drafty house.   I would do anything to see her lighting a fireplace, pouring me a glass of wine and selecting Dean Martin Christmas music just for me. 

All I have is a wooden box, that I talk to all of the time, with her ashes in it.  I decorate her box for all of the holidays but I especially decorate it at Christmas Time.  She'd like that and is most likely laughing at me for decorating a box of ashes.  Mom had that kind of humor. 

How much I took for granted is a sin.  How much I had I think I knew.  How much I miss I never expected. 

Merry Christmas Mom.  I love you.

Color My World

Sorry I haven't posted in awhile. I've been UNmotivated when it comes to writing.

I have to be motivated. And, as I have said, I have been very, very UNmotivated.

I have been consumed with work. I wake up to work. I work during the day and think about work when I go to sleep at night. Work, work, work. It doesn't motivate me but it does sometimes consume me. Ever feel that way?

So. Let's go back in time a little bit. I'll fill you out as to where I have been and what I've been up to.

Easter was great.

Mike and I went to my mom's house on Easter Saturday to help her prepare for Easter Sunday. The only problem was that she was already prepared. OVERLY-FIRKIN-PREPARED! There wasn't a thing for us to do! Even dessert was done! My mom is so organized and "prepared" she should and would qualify as a bonified Eagle Scout. "Be Prepared."

I got a bug-up-my-butt and wanted to color Easter eggs. I was surprised when I asked mom if she wanted to color eggs and she said "no". She used to love to do that sort of stuff and that is why I still want to do it now. I love artsy-crafty kind of stuff. It brings back great childhood memories and memories of coloring eggs with my kids when they were little (and not so little). Coloring eggs at Easter is a tradition. It's a tradition for me. So I did. And Mike, like the good sport he is, joined me!


Aren't they pretty!?!


We made an egg for EVERYONE. I was in a delightful, egg-coloring, heaven!!

Red, green, orange, yellow, and Mikes-special- stipes.

Then I made.....deviled eggs. Good-bye pretty eggs. Hello scrump-dilly-isous!

Soooo, Easter has come and passed. Blah, blah, blah.

Wake Up and Smell the Turkey!

Thanksgiving.

Is it the forgotten holiday?

It seems like it's becoming so to me. Halloween comes and everyone carves a pumpkin, buys candy, dresses up, and parties on. The next day I hop in the car, tune in and shaaaaaazaaaaaam! Christmas Music!

Too MUCH too SOON!

What about Thanksgiving? It's a great Holiday and a CHEAP holiday which makes it even GREATER! No stressin' about what to buy who, no stressin' looking at your checking account, no stressin' about pulling out and putting up all kinds of decorations, no stressin about baking the best cookie.

Thanksgiving. It's a no stress holiday. Wake up, tune into the Macy's Thanksgiving parade, watch a little football, chow down and pass out.
Even those of us who do the cooking and slave in the kitchen still love Thanksgiving. It's great to whip-up our own "traditional stuffing" and turkey for the ones we love. Who doesn't love the feel of cranberries being pushed out of the can and slicing it with the lid so they have that "ridged" effect. C'mon! What's not to love? Pumpkin pie. Pecan pie. Sweet potatoes with marshmallows on top.....Yum, Yum, Yum!

Thanksgiving! It's become the most under-estimated holiday of the year.

Wake up people! Wake up and smell the Turkey!


I Give THANKS!

T ampons! What woman doesn't appreciate tampons? Walkin' around with a 10x3 wet pad between my legs was no fun! Hail to the tampon!

H am. Not to dis the Turkey at this time of the year, but anyone who REALLY knows me, knows I can't really appreciate my scrambled eggs without diced ham!

A merican Idol! An hour of pure entertainment and cheering for the underdog. For the past three years I've had friends and/or family over for "American Idol" nite. Fun, food and pure emotion! Gotta luv it.

N ite time radio. Couldn't fall asleep without it.

K isses. His are the best.

S trength. I am a phenomenal woman. I am mentally and physically strong.

Halloween!

Autumn is here! The leaves are turning from one shade of deep green to a celebration of colors...reds, oranges, yellows and golds. On an early morning walk , I take deep breaths of the crisp fall air. I feel alive and invigorated. Quietly, I can hear the swish of dried summer leaves float between my feet. Sweet music to my ears.

I love the smell of the inside of a freshly-carved pumpkin. I put my nose in and take a deep breath. Digging inside and pulling out all of the seeds, gettin' my hands all goopy with pumpkin sludge. Cleaning and scraping away at the inside flesh until its smooth as silk. Scooping out a little cradle where the candle will sit comfortably. Lights out!

When my kids were little I sewed the majority of their costumes!

Witch.
Devil. Ghost
Dracula. Power Ranger.
Indians.
Snow White. Minnie Mouse. And many, many, more!

Last year I made my college-aged son Oscar the Grouch and he won 2nd prize! Gotta love it!

Butter, salt, 450 degrees for about 25 minutes. It ain't Halloween without
pumpkin seeds!