It was a beautiful, cool September day. I pulled out of bed in the morning and immediately went downstairs to brew my morning coffee. While the coffee brewed and warmed I took a hot bath, did my hair and make-up and got dressed up in my professional attire. I sipped my morning coffee as I waited for my friend, Paula, to pick me up for my job in Chicago. We always drove together.
Paula and I drove to work and chatted about our normal stuff. My kids, her baby boy, our jobs and local town gossip. Just plain girl talk.
When we got into the city she parked in the lot underneath her building, a block from mine. It was a pretty good set up and I was thankful for it.
My day on the 41st floor over-looking the lake transpired as usual. Tons of calls from insurance agents needing assistance navigating our website, changing passwords and rating policies. I had taken quite a few calls when the phone rang again and I picked it up..."Customer Interaction Center, this is Christy, May I help you?".....
"Christy?"
"Yes, this is Christy"
"Christy, this is Lisa. A plane just crashed into the World Trade Center."
Lisa had worked with me until just a few months before and she was my "work bff". Awesome girl who I will love forever.
I had no clue what the World Trade Center was. I suppose I was and still am a person who lives in my own little town and world. I just didn't know what the World Trade Center was, so I asked...
ME: "Where is that?
LISA: "New York. It's a very tall tower and a plane crashed into it. I'm watching it on the news now! The building is on fire and people are hanging out of the windows."
ME: "Oh God, that's horrible, really horrible. How will people get out?"
LISA: "OH MY GOD!" "OH MY GOD!" Another plane just hit the other tower!! Christy, Get the F&%ck out of that building...NOW!!
It didn't register with me but somehow Lisa knew that the United States was under attack. I asked her again what happened but she just kept screaming and telling me to get the hell out of my building because we were under attack. I was in shock. Lisa screamed over the phone again, "Hang up an get the hell out of there NOW!" Then, she hung up.
Seconds later an announcement came over the speaker at work: "Please remain where you are....blah, blah, blah....I didn't hear anymore." A radio in the cubicle next to me blared that another plane hit the Pentagon. I ran to the window and looked over the skyline of Chicago. I wasn't that far up but to me it seemed as if I was on top of the world and a now...a target. Again a voice came over the speaker at work: "Please remain where you are." I panicked.
I told my manager that I wanted to evacuate. He told me that I could and should regardless of what the voice on the speaker was saying. Actually, he had our entire team evacuate while he stayed back and monitored the rest of the floor. He was so brave, calm and defiant of the company's "policy to stay put" at that moment. He told all of us to do what we felt was right. We all evacuated...we were the first out and safe. It was utter mayhem in the city. Thousands of people were evacuating their buildings and the city.
I remember me and Paula meeting up and driving back home. There wasn't a plane in the sky. The radio was tracking the last high-jacked flight. Paula and I prayed and prayed for that flight until we heard it went down in a field. We heard it on the radio, while we were stuck in traffic on Lake Shore Drive. Neither one of us said another word all the way home to Indiana. I looked out the car window and cried while she cried driving home. We both just wanted to get home to our families.
Once home, I remember talking to my mom who was relaying every bit of news to me. People jumping out of windows and towers collapsing. I couldn't hear anymore of it. I took my Golden Lab, Hercules, out onto the front porch and just sat. I sat while the beautiful days sun beat down on me. I remember thinking that it was a beautiful day that would forever hold so much sorrow.
It was a very, very sad day.
Thursday, September 11, 2014
Wednesday, March 5, 2014
Back to School?
I have so many regrets. I look back and think of all the things I would have, could have and should have done differently. The one thing I really, really, really regret the most is not getting myself a good college education and set career. I feel like it's way too late for me now. I want to go and get that degree that will land me a job doing something I love to do.
There are three things that I really love to do, 1. Photography 2. Cooking 3.Writing
I can go to chef school or pursue a degree in photography or writing. I don't know if any of those could land me a job. I don't think the job market is very strong in those fields so I've been thinking of going back to school for ....accounting. Isn't that stupid? Accounting? What the HELL am I thinking? I'm thinking that there are jobs out there for accountants, that's what.
Am I too old to go back to school? Would it be a financially good decision?
I am in a job now that I dread going to every single day (I should say night).
It's not that the company is horrible or the environment is terrible or anything like that. It's just that I struggle with working from 9:30 pm until 7:30 am. Friday through Monday. It's depressing that I never have a weekend off. I miss so many family outings and the routine and normality of what my life was before this job.
I go home every morning feeling tired, inferior and stupid. The fact is, when it comes to dealing the game of craps, I AM inferior and stupid. It just doesn't "click" for me and it frustrates me. I have a lot of respect for all those good dice dealers out there. That game is so fast and furious and the players just LOVE it. I actually have come to love it too. I just wish I could fricking DEAL it better.
I seriously struggle now with the attendance "point system". Twelve points is what I get. One call off is 1.5 points which amounts to 8 days. These points don't refresh at the beginning of the year. This is a life-time total. In all fairness I do also get a guaranteed week off too. If I call off on a holiday or weekend near that holiday (and I mean nearly every holiday...even Pulaski day counts for example) I get slammed for 3 points . I was excited too see that Valentines day was NOT a three point day, so I planned to and did call off on Valentines day and the following day using my one "life happens day". Using these two days allowed Mike and I to go to Mexico on vacation. The only thing is that I neglected to notice that this was the weekend prior to Presidents day, so I got 4.5 points. When I came back from vacation and saw these points I was totally freaked out, mad at myself and this screwy system. I went from 7 to 11.5 points in two days. I've only missed 5 days of work in the past year. Go figure. I know I'm a dependable, dedicated and good employee but somehow my 11.5 points reflect otherwise; leaving a big dark cloud over my head, following me everywhere I go. It's very depressing.
Prior to my current job I worked in a corporate environment. I worked from home, in my jammies with a mug of coffee and my dog next to me. I had 5 weeks paid vacation and PTO days allotted. I made three times what I'm making now. Unfortunately, the company out-sourced my job to India. Somewhere out there is an Indian, sitting at home with with my cup of coffee, my dog, doing my job earning my paycheck.
I feel cornered. Pinned up against a wall. Depressed and tired. I feel regretful of the would haves, could haves and should haves and those regrets lead me to seriously consider FINALLY going to school to earn that degree I've been longing for. I only have this one life to live. There are no do-overs. I don't want to die with regrets.
Should I be: A Chef? A photo-journalist? An Accountant?
My wheels are spinning.
Am I too old to go back to school?
There are three things that I really love to do, 1. Photography 2. Cooking 3.Writing
I can go to chef school or pursue a degree in photography or writing. I don't know if any of those could land me a job. I don't think the job market is very strong in those fields so I've been thinking of going back to school for ....accounting. Isn't that stupid? Accounting? What the HELL am I thinking? I'm thinking that there are jobs out there for accountants, that's what.
Am I too old to go back to school? Would it be a financially good decision?
I am in a job now that I dread going to every single day (I should say night).
It's not that the company is horrible or the environment is terrible or anything like that. It's just that I struggle with working from 9:30 pm until 7:30 am. Friday through Monday. It's depressing that I never have a weekend off. I miss so many family outings and the routine and normality of what my life was before this job.
I go home every morning feeling tired, inferior and stupid. The fact is, when it comes to dealing the game of craps, I AM inferior and stupid. It just doesn't "click" for me and it frustrates me. I have a lot of respect for all those good dice dealers out there. That game is so fast and furious and the players just LOVE it. I actually have come to love it too. I just wish I could fricking DEAL it better.
I seriously struggle now with the attendance "point system". Twelve points is what I get. One call off is 1.5 points which amounts to 8 days. These points don't refresh at the beginning of the year. This is a life-time total. In all fairness I do also get a guaranteed week off too. If I call off on a holiday or weekend near that holiday (and I mean nearly every holiday...even Pulaski day counts for example) I get slammed for 3 points . I was excited too see that Valentines day was NOT a three point day, so I planned to and did call off on Valentines day and the following day using my one "life happens day". Using these two days allowed Mike and I to go to Mexico on vacation. The only thing is that I neglected to notice that this was the weekend prior to Presidents day, so I got 4.5 points. When I came back from vacation and saw these points I was totally freaked out, mad at myself and this screwy system. I went from 7 to 11.5 points in two days. I've only missed 5 days of work in the past year. Go figure. I know I'm a dependable, dedicated and good employee but somehow my 11.5 points reflect otherwise; leaving a big dark cloud over my head, following me everywhere I go. It's very depressing.
Prior to my current job I worked in a corporate environment. I worked from home, in my jammies with a mug of coffee and my dog next to me. I had 5 weeks paid vacation and PTO days allotted. I made three times what I'm making now. Unfortunately, the company out-sourced my job to India. Somewhere out there is an Indian, sitting at home with with my cup of coffee, my dog, doing my job earning my paycheck.
I feel cornered. Pinned up against a wall. Depressed and tired. I feel regretful of the would haves, could haves and should haves and those regrets lead me to seriously consider FINALLY going to school to earn that degree I've been longing for. I only have this one life to live. There are no do-overs. I don't want to die with regrets.
Should I be: A Chef? A photo-journalist? An Accountant?
My wheels are spinning.
Am I too old to go back to school?
Sunday, February 2, 2014
Why Snow Sucks
Winter is here and it's been a whopper. Lots of freezing temps and lots of snow. During the holidays I thought to myself, "Oh I hope it snows for Christmas. Snow is so pretty". Well it did snow and hasn't stopped.
Snow is not so pretty anymore. It's freezing, slushy, heavy and wet.
Snow is very cold on my bare feet while running down the block in my pajamas chasing my dog who escaped through an unlocked gate.
Snow makes a very loud thump when it slides off my roof scaring the hell out of my dad. He thought someone was trying to break into the house and had his 44 ready and loaded.
Snow hides icy alleys. When I chased Wilbur down the alley this evening (another escape) I hit an icy patch, flew two feet into the air and landed very hard on my ass only to have to get right back up and continue the chase.
It's very hard to carry a 50 pound dog down an alley and back home in a foot of snow.
Cars get stuck in snow when pulling out of my garage. They get stuck so bad I have to call my dad to maneuver while I shovel and shovel and shovel. It's a lot of hard work to dig my car out and especially very stressful when Wilbur keeps escaping down the icy alley.
Snow causes my car to get stuck and me to miss meetings.
I cannot drive my car up an icy ramp. It just keeps sliding down - backwards.
Have you ever tried to keep a kitchen floor clean when there is snow outside? Don't.
Ever try to find a pile of your dogs poop in the yard after it snows? I can't, until I step in it or when shoveling I hit something "hard, frozen and very stuck" to the sidewalk.
The mail man will not deliver my mail if he cannot see my stairs.
The mail man cannot see my stairs if I don't shovel them.
I don't like shoveling.
I don't get mail sometimes.
Next year, I hope it doesn't snow for Christmas. I hope it's sunny and 70 degrees.
Snow Sucks.
Snow is not so pretty anymore. It's freezing, slushy, heavy and wet.
Snow is very cold on my bare feet while running down the block in my pajamas chasing my dog who escaped through an unlocked gate.
Snow makes a very loud thump when it slides off my roof scaring the hell out of my dad. He thought someone was trying to break into the house and had his 44 ready and loaded.
Snow hides icy alleys. When I chased Wilbur down the alley this evening (another escape) I hit an icy patch, flew two feet into the air and landed very hard on my ass only to have to get right back up and continue the chase.
It's very hard to carry a 50 pound dog down an alley and back home in a foot of snow.
Cars get stuck in snow when pulling out of my garage. They get stuck so bad I have to call my dad to maneuver while I shovel and shovel and shovel. It's a lot of hard work to dig my car out and especially very stressful when Wilbur keeps escaping down the icy alley.
Snow causes my car to get stuck and me to miss meetings.
I cannot drive my car up an icy ramp. It just keeps sliding down - backwards.
Have you ever tried to keep a kitchen floor clean when there is snow outside? Don't.
Ever try to find a pile of your dogs poop in the yard after it snows? I can't, until I step in it or when shoveling I hit something "hard, frozen and very stuck" to the sidewalk.
The mail man will not deliver my mail if he cannot see my stairs.
The mail man cannot see my stairs if I don't shovel them.
I don't like shoveling.
I don't get mail sometimes.
Next year, I hope it doesn't snow for Christmas. I hope it's sunny and 70 degrees.
Snow Sucks.
Thursday, January 30, 2014
Small Graces
I was on face book today and posted a comment about having a warm house to "cloister into". Here in NW Indiana the wind is whipping, the wind chill is below zero and snow is coming! I ended that post with the comment, "small graces".
Small Graces. It's a simple phrase but a strong truth that sustains a lot of us who struggle in this every day life of ours. I don't think it matters if we are rich or poor. Simple "small graces" sometimes sustain the wealthiest, healthiest and wisest of us all. My small graces are...
Past Memories: Sometimes they sustain me. I close my eyes at night and can let my mind take me on a flight back into some wonderful childhood and adult memories that are my mother. She has been gone since Oct 2010 but my past memories allow me to still hear her voice and re-live moments in time spent with her. Mom teaching me to tie my red Ked shoe laces. I am brought back to the smell of her food cooking on the stove, the sound of her voice and the feel of her fingertips stroking my hair as I lie next to her on a soft down comforter. It's all good, it's all real and it's all comforting. I miss my mother so very much but my memories of her keep her alive.
Present Times: I am present here and now and acknowledge that some things suck and some things are wonderful. The things that suck can be changed with "some distraction and stress"-- crappy job, dirty house, weight, etc... these are challenges that come with being human. The things that are wonderful are the things that really count to me--my relationship with Mike is wonderful, vacation coming up, I own a home and car to get around and my dad and kids are healthy and........Well, who cares after "my dad and kids are healthy". That's all that really counts.
My Future: I have hope that my future holds whatever I want it to hold. I know I have the power to change what I want although I don't know if I have the will or strength to change it. I am smart enough to accept that the future is mine and I have the power to OWN it and change it. That knowledge, alone, lends me a lot of comfort.
So I guess I am lucky to "cloister into" this imperfect but perfect life of mine. It could be better but I know for sure, It could be a hell of a lot worse. So, I'll take it, cloister in and be thankful for the small graces that somehow, someway, sometimes go UN-noticed in life.
Small Graces. It's a simple phrase but a strong truth that sustains a lot of us who struggle in this every day life of ours. I don't think it matters if we are rich or poor. Simple "small graces" sometimes sustain the wealthiest, healthiest and wisest of us all. My small graces are...
Past Memories: Sometimes they sustain me. I close my eyes at night and can let my mind take me on a flight back into some wonderful childhood and adult memories that are my mother. She has been gone since Oct 2010 but my past memories allow me to still hear her voice and re-live moments in time spent with her. Mom teaching me to tie my red Ked shoe laces. I am brought back to the smell of her food cooking on the stove, the sound of her voice and the feel of her fingertips stroking my hair as I lie next to her on a soft down comforter. It's all good, it's all real and it's all comforting. I miss my mother so very much but my memories of her keep her alive.
Present Times: I am present here and now and acknowledge that some things suck and some things are wonderful. The things that suck can be changed with "some distraction and stress"-- crappy job, dirty house, weight, etc... these are challenges that come with being human. The things that are wonderful are the things that really count to me--my relationship with Mike is wonderful, vacation coming up, I own a home and car to get around and my dad and kids are healthy and........Well, who cares after "my dad and kids are healthy". That's all that really counts.
My Future: I have hope that my future holds whatever I want it to hold. I know I have the power to change what I want although I don't know if I have the will or strength to change it. I am smart enough to accept that the future is mine and I have the power to OWN it and change it. That knowledge, alone, lends me a lot of comfort.
So I guess I am lucky to "cloister into" this imperfect but perfect life of mine. It could be better but I know for sure, It could be a hell of a lot worse. So, I'll take it, cloister in and be thankful for the small graces that somehow, someway, sometimes go UN-noticed in life.
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
Being Thankful
Happy Thanksgiving Everyone. Today I am posting random things that come into my head for which I am Thankful. Here goes...
I am Thankful:
1. For the wonderful childhood I had. I always felt secure and loved thanks to my mom, dad and big bully brother.
2. That I grew up in a "hippie" house hold with parents who didn't judge too harshly. They just wanted me to be kind and fair. ALL of my friends were welcomed in my home no matter race or religion they were (and that wasn't too popular in the 60's and 70's) . As long as we were kind and walked to the beat of our own drums is all that mattered to my mom and dad. My parents didn't fit in at all with the "perfect parent click" but they were by far the most loved and respected.
3. My kids. The hardest, unselfish, rewarding thing I worked for here on earth. I love them immensely and my pride in them cannot be expressed in words.
4. Having my mothers strength as a woman. And stubbornness.
5. My Dad. He is stronger than I ever knew and I will always be his little girl. Every day I know he loves me.
6. Mike. Without his love and loving him I couldn't be happy in this life. He is perfect for me in every way. I hope to grow very old with him.
7. Wilbur. I name him last because the little pup has given nothing but unconditional love and trust. He has been this families "miracle" and even though he's just a dog....we love and are Thankful for him every single day.
I am Thankful:
1. For the wonderful childhood I had. I always felt secure and loved thanks to my mom, dad and big bully brother.
2. That I grew up in a "hippie" house hold with parents who didn't judge too harshly. They just wanted me to be kind and fair. ALL of my friends were welcomed in my home no matter race or religion they were (and that wasn't too popular in the 60's and 70's) . As long as we were kind and walked to the beat of our own drums is all that mattered to my mom and dad. My parents didn't fit in at all with the "perfect parent click" but they were by far the most loved and respected.
3. My kids. The hardest, unselfish, rewarding thing I worked for here on earth. I love them immensely and my pride in them cannot be expressed in words.
4. Having my mothers strength as a woman. And stubbornness.
5. My Dad. He is stronger than I ever knew and I will always be his little girl. Every day I know he loves me.
6. Mike. Without his love and loving him I couldn't be happy in this life. He is perfect for me in every way. I hope to grow very old with him.
7. Wilbur. I name him last because the little pup has given nothing but unconditional love and trust. He has been this families "miracle" and even though he's just a dog....we love and are Thankful for him every single day.
Friday, November 22, 2013
Guilty
Mom has been my best friend as far back as I can remember. I don't ever remember having a moment in my life where I didn't like her. She was always on my side no matter how bad I fucked up or how wrong I was.
When a girl picked on me in high school I was scared. This girl cut up my clothes. Mom brought me new clothes and told the gym teacher that I was going to kick this girls ass and if I got suspended for it she'd be okay with that. Then mom told me that I had to stand up to this bully and beat her ass. So , I FINALLY stood up to the bully who backed away from my offered fight thanks to mom. Mom thought I shouldn't have allowed her to back down and that I should have kicked her ass and got suspended. Mom was a renegade and for that I love her even more.
When I got pregnant at 19 I holed myself into my bedroom until mom forced her way in and pulled it out of me. Mom knew I was pregnant before I did. I was so scared and anxious.
Mom asked me, "Do you love him?" I said I didn't know but he was nice, had a great family and treated me well . Then she asked, "Really, Chrissa, are you ready to be a mother and do a good job at it? Are you committed to this child who will be dependent solely on you? What do you want to do ?" After lots of crying and soul-searching and knowing I had freedom of choice I said, "I want to keep this baby Ma. ." She said, "Jesus Christ! If it's a girl you better name it after me!!"
I had a girl and named her, Susan, after my mom. My daughter is every single bit of her grandmother. Smart, Independent, Hard-headed and Opinionated, Free Spirited, Kind and Loving in every aspect.
Mom stood by me all through the twenty-two restless years of marriage, kicking me in the ass if I needed it. When I got divorced she stood by and breathed a sigh of relief with me, cried like hell with me for hurting a man I didn't want to hurt. He was a good man but not a man I was in love with. He wasn't in love with me either. He loved other things and was much more committed to those.
When I fell absolutely, hopelessly, madly in love with my Mike, she loved him that much too and told me that he was O.K. I felt like I was betraying my family. She told me I wasn't betraying anyone and that I should follow my heart. "You only live once and most people never really get to be ga-ga in love. Go for it Chrissa and if it don't work out, I'll be here to pick up the pieces".
When she was first diagnosed with breast cancer, mom always told me "You can't go making wallets (end up in the nut house) Chrissa, you've got to be tough." So I was. I didn't think I had it in me to be so strong when I was so scared. Mom was the half to my whole and I just could not imagine my life without her in it. She was the strong one. As she became weaker, it was very, very difficult for me to accept.
I had dinner with her one evening, laughing and chatting. Two days later I was at her house calling an ambulance. She couldn't walk and had double vision. She realized that it was bad. The cancer had spread to her brain and three, long months later she was gone. But, I wasn't with he when she died and that makes me feel so guilty that I can barely stand it. My daughter was with her last and that lends a little comfort to me but I WASN'T WITH HER. I was there almost every single moment since she was in the hospital but one hour before she died we had talked about all kinds of stuff and I sang to her and shaved her hairy chin (which I have too). I was home five minutes when I got the call telling me that she had passed away and I was absolutely devastated. I wanted to be with her but I wasn't ....the guilt set in. I've cried so many times and still feel so much anger about it. Three years later I still have to push that guilt out of my mind and heart or I'll go making wallets.
I think to myself that maybe, just maybe, mom didn't want me there when she died. We had spent a great day together. Laughing. Storytelling. Memory-sharing. Singing. Maybe that's the way she wanted our last mother/daughter moments to be.
Maybe.
Merry Christmas Mom
The Holidays are approaching and I just dragged boxes of Snowmen out from underneath my back porch stairs. I've collected these snowmen for many years and cherish each and every one of them. They sit pompously displayed on a shelf that once was in my hallway but is now in my new dining room since I knocked a wall out in the summer.
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As the Holidays approach I remember my mom. She loved Christmas with a passion, especially the decorating part of it. During the last five years of her life, after Iris died, she didn't want to decorate alone so I would always be the designated decorator (worker). Mom's house was very large and DRAFTY. She kept her heat so low I had to keep my coat on most of the time. Oh, I would pitch a fit sometimes and go to mom's house with a bad attitude (which I regret now). I didn't want to have to pull her tree, ornaments, and thousand boxes of Christmas shit all the way up from the basement. I didn't want to have to put up her tree and decorate it. I didn't want to decorate her fireplace mantle while she sat in her chair with her two spoiled cats in her lap. She had A LOT of Christmas stuff and a very, big house!! One year I went to her house with such a horrible attitude. I was MAD that I was the one who had to do all of that work and boy, even though I was an adult, I acted like a child. How can a daughter be MAD when her mom has cancer, is bald, fighting for her life for 15 years, and weak? I was just MAD. I was MAD because my marriage of 24 years was in the shithole and I was going through divorce. I wasn't thinking about her at this time. I was wrapped up in ME. Somehow mom understood this and never said a word about my attitude. She just asked me " What's your fucking problem? I have fucking cancer". After mom said that to me I got on past my own, selfish issues and moved on with decorating. I have so many regrets about that now and I'm sure Mom is laughing at my guilt.
Now I reflect on those memories. Christmases spent with my mom. She always lit the fireplace, had Christmas music filling the house and wine-o-plenty. After I was mad I realized I was actually having a good time. When I was a big grump, trudging boxes up from the basement, she laughed at me, took photos and said, "Oh Chrissa, someday you'll miss these days." And, that I do. We laughed, shared juicy gossip, reminisced about Christmases long ago. Boy, it's amazing the gossip the two of us juiced about. It was so much fun, so much laughter and so much ease.
I would do anything to have mom back, sitting in her chair, watching me decorate her big old, drafty house. I would do anything to see her lighting a fireplace, pouring me a glass of wine and selecting Dean Martin Christmas music just for me.
All I have is a wooden box, that I talk to all of the time, with her ashes in it. I decorate her box for all of the holidays but I especially decorate it at Christmas Time. She'd like that and is most likely laughing at me for decorating a box of ashes. Mom had that kind of humor.
How much I took for granted is a sin. How much I had I think I knew. How much I miss I never expected.
Merry Christmas Mom. I love you.
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As the Holidays approach I remember my mom. She loved Christmas with a passion, especially the decorating part of it. During the last five years of her life, after Iris died, she didn't want to decorate alone so I would always be the designated decorator (worker). Mom's house was very large and DRAFTY. She kept her heat so low I had to keep my coat on most of the time. Oh, I would pitch a fit sometimes and go to mom's house with a bad attitude (which I regret now). I didn't want to have to pull her tree, ornaments, and thousand boxes of Christmas shit all the way up from the basement. I didn't want to have to put up her tree and decorate it. I didn't want to decorate her fireplace mantle while she sat in her chair with her two spoiled cats in her lap. She had A LOT of Christmas stuff and a very, big house!! One year I went to her house with such a horrible attitude. I was MAD that I was the one who had to do all of that work and boy, even though I was an adult, I acted like a child. How can a daughter be MAD when her mom has cancer, is bald, fighting for her life for 15 years, and weak? I was just MAD. I was MAD because my marriage of 24 years was in the shithole and I was going through divorce. I wasn't thinking about her at this time. I was wrapped up in ME. Somehow mom understood this and never said a word about my attitude. She just asked me " What's your fucking problem? I have fucking cancer". After mom said that to me I got on past my own, selfish issues and moved on with decorating. I have so many regrets about that now and I'm sure Mom is laughing at my guilt. Now I reflect on those memories. Christmases spent with my mom. She always lit the fireplace, had Christmas music filling the house and wine-o-plenty. After I was mad I realized I was actually having a good time. When I was a big grump, trudging boxes up from the basement, she laughed at me, took photos and said, "Oh Chrissa, someday you'll miss these days." And, that I do. We laughed, shared juicy gossip, reminisced about Christmases long ago. Boy, it's amazing the gossip the two of us juiced about. It was so much fun, so much laughter and so much ease.
I would do anything to have mom back, sitting in her chair, watching me decorate her big old, drafty house. I would do anything to see her lighting a fireplace, pouring me a glass of wine and selecting Dean Martin Christmas music just for me.
All I have is a wooden box, that I talk to all of the time, with her ashes in it. I decorate her box for all of the holidays but I especially decorate it at Christmas Time. She'd like that and is most likely laughing at me for decorating a box of ashes. Mom had that kind of humor.
How much I took for granted is a sin. How much I had I think I knew. How much I miss I never expected.
Merry Christmas Mom. I love you.
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