Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Back to School?

I have so many regrets.  I look back and think of all the things I would have, could have and should have done differently.  The one thing I really, really, really regret the most is not getting myself a good college education and set career.  I feel like it's way too late for me now.  I want to go and get that degree that will land me a job doing something I love to do. 

There are three things that I really love to do,  1. Photography   2. Cooking  3.Writing

I can go to chef school or pursue a degree in photography or writing.  I don't know if any of those could land me a job.  I don't think the job market is very strong in those fields so I've been thinking of going back to school for ....accounting.   Isn't that stupid?  Accounting?  What the HELL am I thinking?  I'm thinking that there are jobs out there for accountants, that's what. 

 Am I too old to go back to school?  Would it be a financially good decision?

I am in a job now that I dread going to every single day (I should say night).
It's not that the company is horrible or the environment is terrible or anything like that.  It's just that I struggle with working from 9:30 pm until 7:30 am. Friday through Monday.   It's depressing that I never have a weekend off.  I miss so many family outings and the routine and normality of what my life was before this job.

I go home every morning feeling tired, inferior and stupid.  The fact is, when it comes to dealing the game of craps, I AM inferior and stupid.  It just doesn't "click" for me and it frustrates me.  I have a lot of respect for all those good dice dealers out there.  That game is so fast and furious and the players just LOVE it.  I actually have come to love it too.  I just wish I could fricking DEAL it better. 

I seriously struggle now with the attendance "point system".  Twelve points is what I get.  One call off is 1.5 points which amounts to 8 days.  These points don't refresh at the beginning of the year.  This is a life-time total.   In all fairness I do also get a guaranteed week off too.  If  I call off on a holiday or weekend near that holiday (and I mean nearly every holiday...even Pulaski day counts for example) I get slammed for 3 points .  I was excited too see that Valentines day was NOT a three point day, so I planned to and did call off on Valentines day and the following day using my one "life happens day".  Using these two days allowed Mike and I to go to Mexico on vacation.  The only thing is that I neglected to notice that this was the weekend prior to Presidents day, so I got 4.5 points.  When I came back from vacation and saw these points I was totally freaked out, mad at myself and this screwy system.   I went from 7 to 11.5 points in two days. I've only missed 5 days of work in the past year. Go figure.  I know I'm a dependable, dedicated and good employee but somehow my 11.5 points reflect otherwise; leaving a big dark cloud over my head, following me everywhere I go.  It's very depressing.

Prior to my current job I worked in a corporate environment.  I worked from home, in my jammies with a mug of coffee and my dog next to me.  I had 5 weeks paid vacation and PTO days allotted.  I made three times what I'm making now.  Unfortunately, the company out-sourced my job to India.  Somewhere out there is an Indian, sitting at home with with my cup of coffee, my dog, doing my job earning my paycheck.

I feel cornered.  Pinned up against a wall.  Depressed and tired.  I feel regretful of the would haves, could haves and should haves and those regrets lead me to seriously consider FINALLY going to school to earn that degree I've been longing for.  I only have this one life to live.  There are no do-overs.  I don't want to die with regrets. 

Should I be:  A Chef?  A photo-journalist?  An Accountant? 

My wheels are spinning. 

Am I too old to go back to school? 

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