Haven't been on this blog for awhile. I enjoy writing and sharing my day to day thoughts and goings on. But unfortunately I'm not confident when it comes to sharing my writing. Really, who cares, right? If no one reads this crud, there is still nothing to lose!! And so I go....
As you all know if you have read (from my last few posts) things haven't been the most super-fantastic for me. I lost my job and even more importantly, my mom passed away. It's been a tough past couple of months but it could have been a lot tougher.
I was really close with my mom - not just as an adult but since I was a kid. When ma got sick she she CONSTANTLY told me..."Chrissa, when I croak, you better not go nuts. If you do, I'll f&cking HAUNT YOU! Mom was always reminding me that if I went into some sort of depression or cuckoo-ness when she died that she'd HAUNT me. I knew and know now that she would never really haunt me but her words did.
She's gone. I cried. I miss her something terrible but I know mom wants me to be happy and not dwell on the fact that she is gone. And so that's what I have been trying to do since October 26. That's the day she left this world.
I made it a point to ENJOY my Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays. I cooked, decorated, shopped and enjoyed my family. Sometimes I had "inklings of guilt" because mom wasn't here to enjoy it too but then I remembered that it was her WISH OF WISHES for me to continue enjoying these things in life.
Mom does haunt me. But in a good way. He words haunt me. Her words of praise and confidence in me. When I was depressed over all the things I felt I screwed up in life, she'd come over make me tea, cuddle me in bed, gently caress my hair and tell me that I was a strong woman. She'd tell me that she knew what I was doing was hard but it was important that I was doing what was right for me no matter how hard it was at the time. She'd give me a kick in the ass and tell me to "get on with life". Mom never let me wallow in self-pity for long. She encouraged my creativity and reminded me of what a good mother I was. She told me she would NEVER EVER have wanted any other daughter than me because she thought I was the best daughter EVER. She was so proud of me. Constantly, for years, mom told me that she knew I was STRONG.
That's what haunts me. Mom's words that I am strong. She was the strongest woman I have ever known and that strength is running through my veins every day. Thanks mom.