Christmas 2009 in Pictures

Turning 47...

Tomorrow I turn the big 47. Ugh! 47 is old. 47 is almost over-the hill.

Mom invited me over for dinner. I'm so glad to say that at 47 I still have my mom around. She (as I have said in past posts) is my "greatest fan".

Mom made a wonderful meal to celebrate my birthday. Leg of Lamb, deeeee-lish Greek, roasted potatoes, home-made creamed spinach to-die-f0r and a maaaaavelous salad with home-made dressing. Not only that, momma also made a chocolate truffle cheese cake FROM SCRATCH! Yea! She's The Bomb! She threw the best party that a girl could ever ask for! Mom threw me a SURPRISE PARTY! Thanks Mom!

On top of that, I also got the weirdest gift from her. An egg-cooker. Yes folks, I said an EGG COOKER. According to mom, it make the most perfect egg. LOL! A weird gift indeed! But at 47, who gives a rats ass!!! I loved it and it made me smile and laugh. Maybe I'll finally cook a "perfect" egg! We're always looking for that "perfect egg" in life, aren't we?

I've accomplished a lot in these 47 years. I had a pretty good childhood, survived my awkward and sometimes painful teenage years, got married at twenty and raised three kids. They are good kids. I like them (most of the time) now that they are adults. I've been to school, got me educated, worked a few jobs, made a few friends and fell in and out and back in love.

But most of all I have found that in every day of living there is learning. Learning more about myself, being comfortable with who I am and who I choose to be.

I am more comfortable now, then ever, accepting myself for who I am.

I am caring. I am loving. I have made mistakes. I am an enthusiastic cook. I am a hidden artist. I am silly. I am a good daughter. I am a good mother. I am intuitive. I don't respond well to authority figures. I am independient. I am not serious when I need to be. I pull away when I shouldn't. I am a home-body. I am not confident. I am sometimes a loner. I am dedicated. I take silent critism seriously. I'll take on any challenge if I am challenged. I am nostalgic. I am a peace keeper. I am my worst critic. I am proud.

But most of all,

and you may disagree,

I am generous,

I am compassionate

I am humble.

I am myself as I see myself to be

I am ME.

Dear Cim

Dear Cim,

A year ago today you left this wonderful world. In your mind it wasn't such a wonderful place anymore. You were suffering so much pain and angst. I can't say I understand the choice you made but I can't say that I'm angry with you either. All I can say is that I love you and it makes me sad that you're not here.

I miss you.

Not a day has gone by since last September 27th that I haven't thought of you. Most of my thoughts are memories of what we shared growing up together. I know how lucky I am to have had you as a very best friend during my teenage years, as young a young adult and as an "old bag". You were wild, funny, uninhibited, hot-tempered, forgiving and loving. You, my dear friend, were the "whole package" to me.

I miss you.

You're laugh still dances in my head. When I'm super-stressed, super-pissed, super-drunk, super-stupid....I hear your laugh. I feel you laughing at me. I feel you enjoying every single minute of all my bullshit. That laugh. I don't only feel fit, I see it . Dimpled and wide, head flung back as you flip your hair back off of your shoulders.

I miss you.

Time keeps ticking away and everyone you loved and knew are living their lives without you. It's what we have to do, we have no choice in the matter. You've missed a lot in this past year. A Halloween, a Thanksgiving, Birthdays, a Christmas, a New Year, a Valentines Day, a Easter, a Family Vacation to Gulf Shores, a 4th of July, and so much more. I know how much you loved the holidays. You decorated to the hilt, set the grandest of tables and cooked the most marvelous meals. You missed a lot and you're going to miss a whole lot more as the years pass.

I miss you.

I have to be very honest when I say that my belief in heaven isn't very concrete. I'm not so sure about the whole after-life thing. But I hope I'm wrong. I hope that you are somewhere way above the clouds and stars far beyond anywhere my eyes can see. I hope you are in the most beautiful place with soft, pink and purple skies, aqua seas, white beaches and a warm sun that is kissing your delicate skin. I hope you are happy and at peace. I hope, of all hopes, you are happy and...laughing.

I miss you.

Love and Peace,
Chrissa

Bringing in a New Year With Cim

It's New Year's Eve. 1977...almost 1978.

Cim and I are celebrating it together at her her house, a brick bungalow, on the East Side of Chicago.

It's a frigid, icy, snowy, wicked, winter's night.

Cim's mom is out with friends, her little brother away with a sitter, and her older brother out partying it up somewhere.

What are we doing? How are we bringing in the New Year?

Eating boxes of Life cereal, watching old Fred Astaire/Ginger Rogers movies, making prank calls and tape recording every conversation we have and call we make.

It is such a fun night. (I still have the tapes to prove it!) I wish I had video tapes of the two of us acting out Fred and Ginger. Cim trying to lead me in the waltz, while I do steps to the Polka.

At one point in the evening, Cim and I get into a stupid fight about something I can't remember.

I am so pissed off that I tell her "I'm calling my Mother to come pick me up and take me home."

I grab the phone and take it into a bedroom and crouch in a corner. The phone extention cord is pulled so tight it might break! I dial...and dial....and dial....

Why wasn't it ringing? I yell into the phone, "Helllooooooooo, Hellooooooooo, I want to go HOME cuz Cim's being a biiiiiiiiiiitch!"

Finally I give up on the call. I assume the lines are down due to the winter storm that's been brewing for the last 3 hours.

I go to hang up the phone and there , leaned against the kitchen wall, is Cimmy holding the un-plugged end of the phone-jack in her hand!

She's laughing her ass off!!

Knowing I was talking into a dead phone suddenly seems funny to me too and my anger disappates. Cim is laughing so hard that she slides down the wall to the floor.

Before I know it, I am on the floor with her! We laugh and laugh and laugh! Jesus, how we laugh!

When our laughter subsides we proceed to taste test every condiment in her Grandma's fridge. We freeze her brothers underwear and eat a few more bowls of cereal - LIFE cereal cuz that is her favorite!

At 11:59 we are squeezed together on the couch, bellies full and content as best friends can be.
Content in our little world as a storm rages outside.

10-9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2-----1!!!!

"HAPPY NEW YEAR!" , I say to Cim.

"HAPPY NEW YEAR ", Cim says to me . And then...she picks up a bowl of warm, left-over milk and dumps it over my head!

We laugh again. And then we sleep.

Wonderful World

Wowzers! I haven't written in a long, long time.

My th0ughts were dark, but real.

Every now and then I still slip into that dark place. Thinking about what could have been. But I am beginning to realize that I must accept the fact that life goes on.

Life equals Time.

Time never Stops.

And so....

I go on.

I keep living my life! What a wonderful thing. As shitty as it is sometimes. I am here, in 2009, living my life's joys and sorrows. I am LIVING it.

Today, I am pissed off about work. I'm stressed about buying a house. I'm happy I had lunch with my son.

That, I think, is the point of this post.

LIVE IT! I AM LIVING LIFE.

Sometimes life sucks. But as long as we are breathing and our hearts are beating, we have the ability to FEEL how much it sucks! How stessfull it can be! How good it can be!

That's the territory that comes with Living.

If life didn't suck, how would we ever know what wonderful is?

Life is wonderful.

The simple gifts of nature....

A warm moonlit night by a bonfire. Smell it. Feel it. Hear it.

A cold , quiet, snowy winters morning. Smell it, Feel it, Hear it.

All I am saying is that the simple pleasures in life is what , I think , we need to try to enjoy.

Times are hard. Life is tough.

But we are tough too.

Do me a favor...

Sit back, suck in, enjoy the simple pleasures of this wonderful, wonderful place we are in.

Look at something very simple. A moon, a lit candle, the rain or a star, a song.

Look at it, feel it, hear it...

Set all your materialistic bullshit aside.

And know, that this really is ....

A wonderful, wonderful world

Trying to Understand ...

On September 27, 2008 I lost my very best friend to suicide. She lost her life because of a mental illness that came on suddenly and unexpectedly.

It's complex.

I am not proud to say that I really haven't visited her husband or girls as much as I should. Visiting them rouses up pain and memories that are almost unbearable. It's not their fault. It's my fault. My inability to face her loss and the circumstances of her loss. I guess I'm just a wimp when it comes to REALLY dealing with my emotions when it comes to Cim.

I feel as if I let her down. I feel as if I didn't listen close enough and do enough for her. Actually, I really believe it. When I see her girls and husband, I feel as if I let them down. I feel incredibly guilty. This guilt sometimes consumes me. Somewhere, deep in my thoughts, I think that if I would have dedicated myself to her, really listened better, loved her more, comforted her more, been in her presence more, maybe she would still be here. It's not a blame-game --- I don't think. It's just a "feeling responsible" feeling.

All her life, except for 7 months, Cim was well, strong, healthy and very happy.
She had a WONDERFUL life, a life that anyone would envy.

She loved her beautiful home, her handsome husband -who absolutely adored her and she was devoted to her two intelligent, successful girls who adored and respected her as well.

Cim loved sunning by the pool with a cold beer, singing off-key karaoke, and taking photos of every moment of her life. Her door was ALWAYS open. Friends came in and out all day long. If Cim saw a homeless person on the street, piss in pants, unshaven and down-and-out she would invite them over for a shower, dinner, beer and jacuzzi. She was just that special kind of lady. She rarely passed judgement. Everyone enjoyed her jokes and sense of humor. If we wanted breakfast, lunch or dinner Cim would have it ready and waiting. 6am eggs, toast and mimosa's, 12 pm polish dogs & a cold beer, 6pm roasted chicken & a glass of Chardonnay. She did it all. She absolutely LOVED life with a vengeance. Let me say it again. Cim LOVED life with a vengeance.

And then, suddenly, asome illness took her in its vice and just would NOT let her go. This invisible "monster" needled its way into her mind and dragged Cim into a dark, dark place and just would not release her. She fought very hard and she got very tired. She couldn't' find a moments peace; not in her mind and not physically. She could not eat, she could not sleep, she could not think, she could not live her daily life, she just .... could not. Cim was truly suffering.

She saw doctor after doctor . She was in the hospital many times. She just wanted her peace of mind back, she wanted to know why this happened to her and how to fix it. I don't think the doctors knew the answer. Their answer was just another prescription.

No one could give her an answer. Not any of the doctors not any of her loved ones...not me. I talked to her for endless hours on the phone promising that "this will pass". But in honesty, I was just hoping it would pass. I didn't know for certain. I was just trying to lend her hope. Maybe I was wrong in doing so.

I know that Heart Disease is called the "silent killer". But I have come to believe that the REAL TRUE "silent killer" is mental illness. It's silent because no one wants to say it out loud. Mental Illness! There is such an unfair stigma attached to it. Great minds succumbed to this disease in the past and continue to succumb to it today. There is so much unwarranted "shame" attached to mental illness. It makes me angry. People who suffer from this disease don't want to be sick. Like everyone, they just want to live calm, happy, healthy, peaceful lives. They are NOT crazy. They are sick, strangled, incapacitated, scared and desperate.

I know of some folks who will tell someone who is suffering from depression, anxiety or panic "Snap out of it!" Well I say to them...Would you tell someone suffering from cancer, MS, Heart Disease, or some other sort of disease to "snap out of it!"?

No! You wouldn't because there is medical understanding and known treatment of these diseases. MS = degeneration of the meylen, Cancer= fucked up cells, Heart Disease = disease of the valves.

Right now, science isn't advanced enough to assign a definite equation to Mental Illness. Someday we'll be there, but until then...It's just a stigma. A silent killer, a monster.

It's been really hard. I miss her every single day of my life.

I really want her back. I want her back for her husband and her daughters. And, I want her back for me. I want her back for HER. Back healthy and happy so she can enjoy her life as she once did.

Shepard's Pie

About a month ago I felt ambitious in the kitchen.

Kitchen Ambitchen...Am bitchin' in the kitchen, kitchen AMBITION!

I wasn't bitchin' in the kitchen, I had Ambition in the kitchen....

Okay, okay, enough with the word-play.

I decided to embark on an exploration of Shepard's Pie. Mmmmmm...yummers.

I did a little research and recipe hunting and found that Shepard's Pie can be made a gazillion different ways. There is no *authentic recipe*.

No Authentic recipe = creativity.

I browned up some ground lamb and beef, added a little rosemary, salt and pepper and simmered. Then I diced up some carrots and onion and added them to the pot. Then I added some frozen peas.

Cover and simmer, simmer, simmer.

The aroma was delightful.

I made a rue and added to the simmering stew, which resulted in a thick, yummy gravy.

I transferred the stew to a casserole dish, topped it off with a layer of mashed potatoes and baked till the taters were browned.

Oh lordy, gordy, was it ever delicious.

Michael said, "Baby you out-did yourself with that one!".

I think I'm feeling some "kitchen ambition" today!