Haunted...in a Good Way

Haven't been on this blog for awhile. I enjoy writing and sharing my day to day thoughts and goings on. But unfortunately I'm not confident when it comes to sharing my writing. Really, who cares, right? If no one reads this crud, there is still nothing to lose!! And so I go....

As you all know if you have read (from my last few posts) things haven't been the most super-fantastic for me. I lost my job and even more importantly, my mom passed away. It's been a tough past couple of months but it could have been a lot tougher.

I was really close with my mom - not just as an adult but since I was a kid. When ma got sick she she CONSTANTLY told me..."Chrissa, when I croak, you better not go nuts. If you do, I'll f&cking HAUNT YOU! Mom was always reminding me that if I went into some sort of depression or cuckoo-ness when she died that she'd HAUNT me. I knew and know now that she would never really haunt me but her words did.

She's gone. I cried. I miss her something terrible but I know mom wants me to be happy and not dwell on the fact that she is gone. And so that's what I have been trying to do since October 26. That's the day she left this world.

I made it a point to ENJOY my Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays. I cooked, decorated, shopped and enjoyed my family. Sometimes I had "inklings of guilt" because mom wasn't here to enjoy it too but then I remembered that it was her WISH OF WISHES for me to continue enjoying these things in life.

Mom does haunt me. But in a good way. He words haunt me. Her words of praise and confidence in me. When I was depressed over all the things I felt I screwed up in life, she'd come over make me tea, cuddle me in bed, gently caress my hair and tell me that I was a strong woman. She'd tell me that she knew what I was doing was hard but it was important that I was doing what was right for me no matter how hard it was at the time. She'd give me a kick in the ass and tell me to "get on with life". Mom never let me wallow in self-pity for long. She encouraged my creativity and reminded me of what a good mother I was. She told me she would NEVER EVER have wanted any other daughter than me because she thought I was the best daughter EVER. She was so proud of me. Constantly, for years, mom told me that she knew I was STRONG.

That's what haunts me. Mom's words that I am strong. She was the strongest woman I have ever known and that strength is running through my veins every day. Thanks mom.

Remembering My Mother

My mother passed away on Tuesday, October 26, 2010.

Good Lord! She was a great mother!

I miss her. I miss talking to her on the phone every night. I miss her swearing at me. I miss her...EVERYTHING.

My mom was the very best mother in the world. She had no contentions. Her only contention was that a person could not laugh at her corney jokes, accept her own ways and love her for who she was. Mom was very true to her very own self.

I find myself here tonight, wanting to share the whole story about my mothers life.

My mom was my best friend, closest confidant and always....ALWAYS...picked my side. I loved her and she loved me unconditionally. It was great to have someone on my side all of the time. It had been that way since my childhood, teen-age years and into adulthood. Lots of daughters have ups and downs with their mom's but I think my relationship with my ma was pretty much always UP.

Don't get me wrong, we have our spats. But they never last longer than a day. And they were always about something stupid.

One spat lasted a few days, but I was kinda trashed when I ticked her off so after lots of teasing she forgave me. She's was best. My mom a.k.a. "The Suz" had a great sense of humor! God, how we laughed together.

She was a super-fantastic photographer and writer. I wish I had half her talent . She swore like a trucker, cooked like Julia child , and decorated better than anything I've seen on HGTV! Mom loved and made the best dirty martini this side of heaven. She knew myself and her grandaughter, Michelle, preferred a good bottle of Boujeles wine so she surprised us and bought an entire CASE of it!

Mom was the bomb.

What I know is that even though I am 47 years old I still valued my Mothers opinion. I knew she would never steer me in the wrong direction. I believed that when my mom told me I was right then I was right. I knew when my mom told me I was wrong then I was wrong.

Rewind. 40 years - one of my earliest memories of mom. I am four. Sitting on the front porch of our tiny Chicago bungalow, head tucked in, arms cradling my knees and studying my new, red ,KED gym-shoes. Mom comes out the door in jeans and a t-shirt ( her favorite dress code) and the white, aluminum storm-door slams behind her. "Hey Teets-a-bell! You wanna go for a walk?" She reaches her strong hand out towards me and I take it.We walk. My tiny hand tightly clenched in hers.

I want to skip. We skip. She skips. I want to sing . We sing. She sang. We walk and talk and walk and talk. I feel so loved and important. There is nowhere else I want to be. I absolutely adored my mom.

Even though my she is no longer here in body with me I know her spirit is. My hand is still clenched in hers. We still walk, we still talk, we still sing. Our song was like no other. I’ll miss my best friend and my beautiful mother.

I had a Dream

I had a dream!


I had a dream that one day I was in a Food Network cup cake Wars show. I won the grand prize!
Why I had this dream I'll never know. Only the dream fairies hold the secret of why they sprinkle our minds with dream-dust while we slumber.



Anyone who knows me knows that I don't bake. I cook, I don't bake. Baking stresses me out. I only bake lopsided angelfood cake for Mike on his birthday. Baby, that's love. That's TRUE love. I'm talking about HIM....he eats it!


This dream was so vivid. I baked Pineapple upside-down cupcakes. I was wearing a floppy white bakers hat and crisp white apron. My hair was pulled up in a tight bun and I looked gorgeous. I was calm and collected. Oh, how I love to dream!!


I placed a teaspoon of melted butter in the bottom of a cupcake pan then I sprinkled brown sugar on top. I trimmed a pineapple ring to fit the mold and placed a cherry in it. Then, I poured in the batter.


I have never woke up and thought to myself , "Wow, that was an awesome dream! I'm gonna DO that". Thank goodness for that. I would be sunbathing nude, on top of my car roof, in front of my house, smoking mary-wanna if I followed up on last nights dream!



I did however follow up and actually attempted my food-network dream. I just couldn't get those cup-cakes out of my head. I told Mike about my dream and he encouraged me to go for it. So I did.

How I hate to bake. But I did. I wasn't wearing a floppy bakers hat or white apron. I was in jeans and a batter-splattered red shirt. My hair was not pulled in a tight bun but rather loose and in my eyes. But, I baked.

I followed the "dream recipe" and.....

Well a picture tells a thousand words!

Putting Rejection into Perspective

I've been rejected. As of September 30th I am out of a job. Rejected. Not because I didn't do a good job. Not because I wasn't dependable. Outsourcing. That's it...whether I agree with it or not. I, and about 300 other collegues have been outsource. It's the corporate American, Non-American way and there's not a damned thing I can do about it.

For the past six months I knew that this has been coming. Every week or so, the company has sent an email regarding the "transition/outsoucing" process. I thought I was mentally prepared for it.

The mail came and I opened the envelope with my 60 days notice in it...well, it sucked. It felt as if a sledge hammer, with a big REJECTED stamp, popped out of that envelope, sledged me in the forehead and knocked me out cold. It hurt.

I've been in a depression since. Every day I sit on the front porch, smoking, thinking and feeling sorry for myself. I do try to put all of this insanity into perspective. I think I'm making progress. My way of "putting it into perspective" is knowing that it could be worse. Rejection sucks but...

1. My parents have loved me and supported me, even when I've really screwed up. They are always there to remind me how wonderful, talented and loved I am. When I'm feeling depressed or sad or rejected (lol) I can always count on my parents love and support. My mom is always reminding me that I have a great personality and how talented I am. I tell myself that "she's my mother, she HAS to say those things" but I have lots of friends who never heard those things from their mother.

2. My kids call me, visit me and generally like me. If they didn't want me in their lives that would be devestating. But they DO like me and want me and visit me. They tell me often how much they enjoy my cooking and their dinner time visits establish that as the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

3. I have the greatest love in my life. Michael. He loves me and I love him. We enjoy laughing, cooking, chatting and being couch potatoes together. We snuggle and cuddle. He smells like Gold Dial. He laughs at how I steal the blankets at night. He loves me with or without makeup, gussied up or in mis-matched jammies all day. Michael reminds me every single day that I am love and that I am worth loving. I really WANT to spend the rest of my life with him, I enjoy every day with him and I look forward to growing very, very old with him.

4. I don't suffer. I'm never hungry or cold. I have a television, air-conditioning, heat, a stove to cook my food on, a washer and dryer and clothes to put them in. I have a roof over my head. I have a garden in my tiny yard - I have a yard! I have a computer and the internet. I have this post. I know these things seem are simple things but I have been reminding myself every day that there are so many people living in this world who don't have these simple luxuries. There are so many people in this world who truly suffer every day.

5. Last, but not least, I have hope. I hope for my parents continued support, my childrens continued admiration, Michaels continued uncondional love and I hope for the simple things in life that make me happy. I hope to find a new job

Putting things in perspective I think that even though I've been rejected, I can handle it. They don't know me, they don't love me, they don't sit down to dinner with me they really don't care about me.

That job is not my life---I thought it was.

It's just my pay-check.

Just another Saturday

Today was just another Saturday.

I woke up, brewed a pot of java and got kickin' into the basic house-work duties. Cleaning, laundry, watering my flowers, etc.

My dad came downstairs to enjoy a cup of coffee with me. We sat in the yard and admired how well my basil, thyme, marjoram, green peppers and tomato's are doing. And we celebrated the fact that FINALLY one of the tomatoes is actually turning red! Yahoo.

Mom cam over at 2:30 and promptly plopped her ass on my couch. She's going through a new chemo and it's just draining all of her energy. She can't feel her fingers or toes and once again, she's losing her hair. Its a bummer and she is kind of depressed. But even though she's dealing with all the downsides of cancer I think mom is a real tough cookie. She did make a brilliant olive tampinade which we enjoyed immensely. Take a cracker, spread a little goat cheese on it and top it with the olive tampinade. A little slice of Heaven is what it is. "Mother's heavenly Tampinade".

I made a potato salad, grilled some chicken and boiled up some crunchy, sweet corn on the cob for dinner. Me, mom, dad and Mike ate and ate and ate. We smothered that corn with butter and salt. Oh holy Jesus, it was good. After dinner we took a after-dinner nap. Nothing beats those naps I tell you.

Mike flew off to work at 8:30 pm, dad snuck off back to his upstairs apartment and Mom & I watched a re-run of the new Project Runway.

Now, I'm in bed chillen. Mom's in bed snoring.

It was just another Saturday spent with some of the people I love most.

Why Is It?

That's me. Yup, THAT IS ME! I believe that is the most horrible photo I have ever taken and, I'm posting it for the purpose of my post.

As bad as I look in THAT photo, I looked even worse this past weekend!! Yup, I say, worse.

Last weekend was Pierogi fest here in tiny, itty, bitty, Whiting, Indiana. It's a big deal here. Pierogi fest had made the Food Channel, WTTW Wild Chicago and so on. As a result of all this publicity it has become a very popular event. So popular that everyone in the Midwest (and their mother) wants to attend this magnificent event.

My family requested that I save some parking spots for them for this very special occasion and I did. I woke up on Saturday morning, put some chairs out front. Then I proceeded to do my normal Saturday routine. Put my hair up in a bun, donned my nastiest jeans, and cleaned, cleaned, cleaned. I was sweaty, no make-up on, dirty fingernails and dead-beat tired when my family showed up for their parking space. Ohhhhhhhhhh....I was UGLY. Stinky, dirty, undignified, downright scary-ugly!

So they came and, they invited me out. "No, no, I don't really want to go out. I'm stinky, dirty, undignified and scary-ugly." Is what I said.

"Oh, who gives a shit. Come on out and have a good time" is what they said.

And I listened. And at Pierogi Fest I bumped into every, single person I've ever known in my life.

I bumped into...

My ex-husband
My niece
My-ex-sister-in-law
My ex -bother-in-laws
My old college friends
My friends I haven't seen in a yer
My kids
All of my kids friends

Like I said, I bumped into EVERYONE and I looked my lowest of lows total CRAP-O-LA.

So why is that? Why did this happen? I could have looked my very best.

Even though this happened and I looked my very worst, I FELT good. I was happy. I was out and about, not all wrapped up in my physical persona and very wrapped up with my emotional being. I was having a good time with my family. I enjoyed re-connecting with old family and friends.

I felt sort of naked in a way.

Embarrassed, but Free.

I had a great time

Movin Out, Movin On and Movin In

So...................................................................

I haven't written in awhile. It feels good to write again. It feels good to find the time to write again. It feels good watching Food Network, logged in, and writing on my blog!

So the story goes.

My dad, a.k.a., "Da Polak" was rushed to the emergency room in early March. He FINALLY hit "rock bottom" and checked himself in. YAY for Da Polak. That takes courage my friends. Especially at age 73. He did it, he done it and he done did it. And, he's not had a sip since. I'm proud of him.

Prior to dad's hospitalization I had been driving about an hour and a half on weekends to go visit/care for dad. I'd do his laundry, grocery shopping, cleaning, etc... I know I shouldn't say this, but.....It was a major P.I.A. Ugh. I didn't like driving 3 hours on my weekends.

Anyhoot, Dad checked himself in and was in hospital care for 2 weeks. After that, he came to stay with me because he couldn't be alone. He could barely walk due to hip, back and balance problems. No way in hell was he going to be alone again. Away from family, friends and lonliness. Wasn't gonna happen. So, he moved on in with me. I had an extra bedroom so it was no biggie. Well, it was an adjustment to. That bedroom is directly across from my own bedroom and I was pretty used to "getting my groove on" whenever, however, as loud ever, as I wanted to. The groove had to lose its ..."oooooooove". LOL.

Well in between this time, my Man found a new job at the casino, I got word that I'm losing my job in September and I bought a house. Not in that order. I wouldn't have bought a house if I knew my company was going to outsource nearly all IT to another country. That's corporate America for ya! But hey, that's the way the cookie crumbles....and I'm the cookie---and I'm crumbling! NOT.

So, here I am this July 19th. Dad is moved into the apartment that's above my home. He's got some groovy new furni

ture and I've got my "groove" back.

Life is good. I'm still working through September and collecting a paycheck. My love is dealing cards and loving it.

My dad is snoring in his comfy new apartment. And I am cuddled up with my BFF cat, Thelma, watching Old Time Movie Classics. Life is good.