Letting Go

It's hard to let go.

It's hard for me to let go.

It's hard when babies grow up.

It's hard when my babies grow up.

They let go.

I don't.

I won't. They are my heart-strings.

They make my heart sing....still.


My daughter, Susan Elizabeth, was born on a sweltering, August night in 1983. Two months early. Named after my mother and her great-grandmother.

I was young but not too young to realize, for the first time in my life, what true love really was.


Suzy's tiny body didn't match her spirit. Her spirit was and still is enormous. And the enormity of her spirit got her through some tough times in her life.

I have been, am still, and always will be there unconditionally, every step of the way, right by her side.

Her joys are my joys and her tears are my tears.

On a frigid November evening in 1984, I welcomed my son, Edward James. Named after his father.

Eddie was blessed, or blessed me, with a calm spirit.

Never demanding, always patient, this spirit still carries him through the roughest times in life.

I have been, am still, and always will be there unconditionally, every step of the way, right by his side.

His joys are my joys and his tears are my tears.

I miss my little babies. I miss rocking them at night and lulling them to sleep.

I miss kissing their soft cheeks and throwing them themed birthday parties.

I miss sewing them Halloween costumes.

I miss giving them baths and tucking them into sun-kissed, line-dried sheets.

I miss saying, "Good night, Sleep tight, Don't let the bed-bugs bite. God Bless you"

I miss tying untied shoes.

I miss going to football games and tennis tournaments.

I miss having a ton of obnoxious teenagers in my home.

My babies were my heart-strings. And now that they are all grown up and letting go I sometimes feel as if those heart-strings have been cut...and I want to tie them back together.

It's hard letting go.

But I know, for them, I have to.

A Daughter, A Mother & A Trek to the Train

Today is Mikes Birthday! Happy Birthday Mike.

Suzy came over to his place in the city and joined us for another one of my AMAZING dinners.

Ham, potatoes Au gratin and green beans smothered in onions and butter topped with slivered almonds.

Dessert was a dilapidated, yet yummy, Angel food cake with lemon icing, topped with ice-cream, cherries and chocolate sauce. Ohhhh yea! I'm the bomb!

After dinner Suzy and I had to catch a Metra train back home to Indiana.

Oh, how I hate trekking out in the cold, carrying all kinds of crap and catching trains. I hate it. It stresses me out. I always worry I'm gonna miss the train, forget something on the train or screw up the transfer and end up in Who-Knows-Where, Indiana. If I could have one super-natural power it would be instant transport with a tight blink of my eyes. I don't have a super-natural power.

Suzy on the other hand, would be perfectly content if she had to walk 5 miles, take a train with three transfers, and then hop on a bus to where ever she pleases to go. She's a happy, confident little traveler.

Round 1: Preparing to leave Mikes place.
I am in my little "panic" mode. "I'm not taking my big bag home Mike, it's too much to carry. It's gonna slow me down. And, I'll just leave my camera here too cuz I don't wanna carry it". I slip my laptop and makeup case into one of those new eco-friendly cloth grocery bags. I cram my purse into the bag too.

Meanwhile Suzy is sitting on a kitchen stool bundled up and ready to fly. I look up and see my camera bag strapped to her shoulder. She's got a green striped cloth bag loaded with all kinds of shit AND a doggie bag (compliments of me). "Jeez Ma, we're only walking like 5 blocks...what's the big deal? I'll carry the camera for you. Just RELAX! "

So, I put on my coat, then my hat, then my boots ...it's cold in Chicago this time of year. "Where are my red gloves?" I can't find my gloves! Mike politely hands me an extra pair of his and I gladly take them. Suzy gets up from the stool and I ask her "Don't you have any gloves?" She responds, "Nope, I forgot 'em. I got pockets" and, she slips her hands into her pockets. Off we go. Suzy carrying a 10 pound bag, camera case, and leftovers. Me carrying one light bag.

Round two: The Trek to the Train
Out the door I am now in my "mad dash" mode. I do not want to miss the train! Head down and shoulders hunched, wind in my face, I'm taking quick short steps.

Suzy - "Mom, we have plenty of time. We are not going to miss the train. It's only a short walk!"
Me - " I know, I know! I'm just cold! " walk, walk, walk, walk...hurry hurry hurry....
Suzy - " Uh -huh. Aren't you glad I decided to carry your camera. It's not heavy. "
Me - "Yea, thanks Suz. I don't know why I get so stressed out. I'm fine now." walk, walk, walk, walk...hurry hurry hurry....

I decide to make a mad-dash across a very busy city street and I make it to the icy meridian. I look to my left, no Suzy. I look to my right, no Suzy. I look behind me and there is Suzy. She yells to me ... "I'm not going to dodge cars and risk my life for no reason!" She gets the light and catches up to me. "Jesus mother, you're so funny! Just Relax! We've got plenty of time. " I squeeze my brows together, "I am relaxed. I'm just cold." walk, walk, walk, walk...hurry hurry hurry....

After our quick, brisk, frigid walk we finally make it to the train station. I'm sweating. "We only have to wait 16 minutes now for the train" says Suzy. I look up at her and say..."Did it only take us five minutes to get here?" Suzy rolls her eyes, laughs, "Yup". We grab a bench and wait the 16 minutes for our train to arrive. During that 16 minutes I call my son and remind him, that our train will be in at 9 pm. Lord knows, I don't want him to forget to pick us up. Suzy just stares up at me with her big green eyes, calm as a cucumber.

Final Round: On the Train
We settle into two comfy seats on the train. I'm sitting up straight as a board, in my "must stay alert mode". Bag on lap, tightly clenched and obviously very concerned. We have to transfer. I hate transfers. Where do we transfer? What if we miss our transfer? Suzy senses my concern and reassures me.

Suzy - "Mom, we transfer at 63rd street and the conductor will announce it. Really its not big deal, I do it all the time"
Me - "Are you sure it's 63rd?"
Suzy - "Yes, I am absolutely sure! I do this all the time" she giggles.
Me - "Okay"

A little idle chit-chat and then the conductor came to punch our tickets. As he was punching mine I asked "Sir, where do we transfer for South Chicago?" He responds, "63rd". Suzy looks at me in disbelief . "Good Lord Mother! I told you 63rd! " She did tell me 63rd and now so did the conductor.

Once we transfered I relaxed for the last stretch home. Suzy and I debated whether a red-wigged, 6'2" person wearing a long black overcoat and red baseball cap was a man or a woman. I said man, she said woman. She won the debate after pointing out the fur neckline on the coat. We laughed. Suzy also counted out and described every single pair of shoes that her brother's new dog destroyed. We laughed. We chatted about whether the new 150 pound pup is cute or not. He ate the new couch, had a paperplate stuck on his head after a romp in the garbage and his dried-up drool on the ottomon looks like some horny man was in the living room enjoying a healthy night of porn. I say - destructive, Suzy says - Cute. We laughed.

When the train pulled up, my son Eddie was there to pick us up. On the car ride home, Suzy and I chatted away. Not once did she mention my horrible traveling antics. Not once. Finally home, as Suz got out of the car, she peeked her head back inside, smiled wide and said...."Goodnight momma, I love you."

God, I love her too!

This Day in American History...

Today is a Proud Moment in American History.

Barack Obama, the son of a black Kenyan father and white American mother, laid his hand on the same Bible that Abraham Lincoln used at his inauguration in 1861 to take the oath of office.

Here is how I spent this day in History. Quoting from Barack's Inaugural speech....

"Yet, every so often, the oath is taken amidst gathering clouds and raging storms"

"Our workers are no less productive than when this crisis began. Our minds are no less inventive, our goods and services no less needed than they were last week or last month or last year."

" Starting today, we must pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and begin again the work of remaking America."

"Let it be told to the future world ... that in the depth of winter, when nothing but hope and virtue could survive... that the city and the country, alarmed at one common danger, came forth to meet [it]."

GOD BLESS AMERICA!

Mystery Fish

...and I had a very good time. I went fishing and got sunburn.

And when I got home, Mr. Plecostomus was nowhere to be found.

I asked my fish-sitter if any fish died. She said "not that I know of".

I was very disturbed.

Where did Mr. Plecostomus go? He wasn't hiding anywhere cuz I looked good and hard. He wasn't floating anywhere. He wasn't in the filter. Mr. Plecostoms just vanished. Never to be seen again.

And so there were 6.

Last month, I went to Washington for the holidays. I left my daughter to care for my six little fish.

I had a very good time. I ate good food and drank good wine.

And when I got home. Three little fishies were gone! Just like Mr. Plecostomus. My White Clouds weren't hiding, floating or in the filter. They vanished. Never to be seen again...

Officially Over?

Christmas is officially over. Or is it?

I went to mom's house and took down all of her Christmas decorations.
All the decorations that Mike and I put up. She had a head start on things thank goodness!
All the ornaments were off the tree, wrapped in paper, and placed carefully in a large, plastic container. That saved A LOT of time. Thanks Mom!

I unmantled the tree and put it back into it's cardboard bed to rest for another year.
Up and down with boxes galore. Finally, the job was done.

Christmas is officially over.

Or is it? Mike still has all his decors up. I still have all my stuff up.

On my drive home, I saw quite a few Christmas trees a-blazing in living room window.

When I arrived home I had a tax statement in my pile of mail. So THAT declares CHRISTMAS IS OVER...IT'S TAX SEASON.

But then again, it ain't over till it's over.

One year I had Santa on my balcony until Mid-April. Ho-Ho-Ho!

Comfort

I have been struggling with sleep. Restless nights make long days.

But tonight

Looking out my bedroom window....

I welcome a peaceful midnight snow

Dotting the skies under a street-lights glow

Pillowy snowflakes dance their way to the ground

A low distant foghorn is the only sound

A gentle white blanket drapes the steet

Untouched and untainted by mortal feet

I feel comforted, climb into bed

And hope that sugarplums will dance in my head

On this cold and glorious winters night.

Cooking 2009 - How to Boil Water (A must read)

For New Years Eve last year Michael and I made a WONDERFUL four course meal: appetizers, first course, second course, and dessert from scratch. We vowed to do the same for this year but circumstances beyond our control rendered us too exhausted and unenthusiastic to bring in 2009 in gourmet style.

After much sleep and pure boredom we decided to cook "a meal" on New Years Day!

I found a wonderful recipe for shrimp and scallops in Alfredo sauce and whipped up a grocery list. Much to our dismay Jewel was closed so we had to scratch the list and resort to making a meal out of what we had in the house.

(You are now in my head )

Freezer check - "shrimp and scallops , THAT'S a great start"
Fridge check - "No cream, no Parmesan, no, no, uhhhh, SCRAP the Alfredo sauce. Hmmm....wine, butter (lots of butter) green-peppers. That would make a great sauce."
Casual Kitchen Scan - "Garlic and onions. More for the sauce. "

Hmm...I need a appetizer.

Freezer check - "Edamame. Light, healthy, green. Perfect appetizer."

(You are now out of my head and back to reading my blog)

The mood is light, music in the background. I haven't had a cigarette in four days and was "patch less" I was feeling a little bit on the edge. If one stays out of my way, gives me full control of the kitchen and treads lightly, things would be okay. Mike loves to help in the kitchen. Uh-oh.

Time to make the Edamame. Just boil water, throw the edamame in water, bring back to boil, cook five minutes, strain. Easy, right? Not!

I grab a pot out from under the cabinet. Mike informs me the pot is not big enough. I look at the pot. I look at the bag of edamame. The pot is NOT big enough. I grab a bigger pot. I think I want a cigarette.

I proceed to fill the pot with water. HOT water...to get the boil going quicker. I've been doing this since age two (world according to me). Mike innocently turns the water to cold. I turn the water back to hot. Mike turns the water back to cold. My head gets hot.

I have a sudden urge for a cigarette.

Me: "What are you doing?"
Mike: "You should always start with cold"
I'm thinking to myself that I know how to boil water.....
Me: "Noooooooo, I start with HOT", I say as I feel myself getting very irritated. "I know how to boil water"
Mike: "Hot water is not as healthy, you should always start with cold water"

I'm done. I know how to boil water dammit! I give up. I leave him to the pot of water and let him start boiling away....a long, cold, boil away.

I sit at my computer, login to face book and sarcastically write that "Christy is learning how to boil water".

To prove him wrong I look up "how to boil water" on the internet. I was going to research and prove to him that hot water did boil faster and that cold water didn't frickin' matter! I was going to find it AND read it to him!!

Guess what? Every article I found (and believe me, I found a lot of articles) proved that HE wasn't wrong. Hot water has to go through the hot water boiler and isn't as "healthy". There is a lot of nasty crap and germs that water grabs on to when it goes through the hot water heater. And, at all costs, use cold when cooking.

I was wrong. He was right. If my foot could reach my ass, I would kick myself. But no need for him know this. I got up from the stool as he ran cold water over the boiled edamame and then I proceeded to make a wonderful dinner. Shrimp and scallops in a white wine, butter, garlic, onion, green pepper sauce over angel hair pasta (cooked in boiled cold water).

Dinner was wonderful.

And, I learned how to boil water.